在线修改托福独立写作,没人改啊,我马上要考试了急啊,高人帮我看看谢谢啦（修改完再加50）2010.3.27Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?The best way to achieve happiness yourself is to make others happ

在线修改托福独立写作,没人改啊,我马上要考试了急啊,高人帮我看看谢谢啦（修改完再加50）2010.3.27Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?The best way to achieve happiness yourself is to make others happ
在线修改托福独立写作,没人改啊,我马上要考试了急啊,高人帮我看看谢谢啦（修改完再加50）
2010.3.27
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?The best way to achieve happiness yourself is to make others happy.
Since the world is rapidly changing and the modern life has become more complicated,there is ardent controversy in our society of late whether the best way to achieve happiness yourself is to make others happy or not.Some people believe that obviously it is true,while others put foward that the opposite idea.As far as I am concerned,this idea is unconvincing.My arguments are listed as follows.
To begin with,it cannot be denied that let others pleased is the one of ways to achieve happiness yourself.This is because when you do something make others delighted,especially your close friends and parents,you would have a sense of achievement and feel contended which acquire the satisfaction at the same time.To introduce a concrete example,Lei Feng,a famous person in china,who never stop helping others and he would try to help the people surrounding him even when he travelling on the train.From the interview about his life,giving a hand to others can bring the joy to the them and he will cheerful when he see others happy.
Nevertheless,it is not confirmed that make others happy is the best way to acquire joy.A recent poll conducted in university by experts about the best way to be happy reveals that it is no doubt that obtaining the knowledge is the best way to get delight.Either university students or high school students,the knowledge is countless and useful and we learn it every day with pleasure.It is acknowledged that falling into a sea of the knowledge is so jolly,and apparently there is more pleasure obtaining from knowledge than that from making others happy.
In addition,there are plenty of ways better than making others pleased to get happiness,one of the vital crucial which is finding a good job.For instance,I used to be a blue-collar worker in a factory and finally became a financial management in a big company by personal effort.I believed that I was the happiest person in the world,which due to an excellent job.
Although making others happy is a way to acquire delight,obviously other ways obtaining the happiness is better,such as getting a good job or learning more knowledge.Base on the factor I mentioned above,a conclusion is drawn safely that the best way to achieve happiness yourself is not to make others happy.
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在线修改托福独立写作,没人改啊,我马上要考试了急啊,高人帮我看看谢谢啦（修改完再加50）2010.3.27Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?The best way to achieve happiness yourself is to make others happ
总体感觉：论证不充分.分数3分,不会到达四分（不要说我打击人,实事求是,希望楼主理解）
优点：1.结构清晰.典型的“开头+三段论证+结尾”式结构,让人一目了然.且三段论证采用的也是“2个观点段落+1个让步段（即你文章第二段这种的）”
2.没有太多严重的语法错误.别人可以通过读你的文章大体了解你的意思.
需改正的地方：
1.开头：只要小补充.因为happiness是个很大的概念,你得先给他个定义——就你文章内容来讲你可以定义“happiness=self-satistication”,这样后面好论证什么事情让你happiness了.
1.让步段（及全文第二段）需修改：
理由：
需要首先说明的是,让步段的作用是以“退一小步”补充你文章的观点,给别人留下你的想法很可观的感觉,其本身对你中心论点的阐述是一个折扣,所以,让步段出现的前提就是不可以影响到你中心观点的表达效果.
就从篇幅上讲,该让步段的篇幅比两个陈述你观点的论证段都要长,这个本身就是一个弱项,他给人的感觉是你对你本身的观点就没有太深刻的论证.
从位置上讲,你这个让步段不适合放在论证部分的开始.因为你第一段就说“for the following reasons”,所以正常思路应该就是讲“reason”了.
就内容上讲,第一：该段topic sentence后,本段唯一一句论述性语言是个标准的病句.第二：这个例子举得完全没有必要,因为你这个例子本身涵盖的内容没有给论证起到真正的补充,而且草草带过,看完完全没有什么深刻的印象,而且不要忘记这是让步段,你只需要在观点上“让一小步”就可以了,举一个“concrete example”是自找麻烦
修改建议：将它放到结尾段之前,将开头的“to begin with”改成“in addition”.删除那个例子.把论证再改一下,比如可以改成：Because delighting the one who you love, you would both satisfy from the thanks they return and the happiness you offered for them.（仅供参考）
2.论证段（全文3、4段）需修改：
理由：用官方指南的话讲就是没有expre your point effectively.
从思路上讲：因为论证段是要紧扣题意,所以先从题意理解出发：该题题眼是“best way”,也就是说,你只要能论证他不是“best”——换言之有“better than this way”的存在就可以,由此可见这其中有一个比较的成分.作者第二个论证段中有这个意识,但是没有突出“better”,你说有很多方法也可以让自己幸福啊又举了例子啊,但是这没有说明“making others happy”不是最好的啊,就像我说杨贵妃最美,你说王昭君和西施还有很多人都是美丽的,这前后两个观点毫不矛盾.
再从内容上讲,第一个论证段的理由说服力不够.首先题目问的是“do 【you】 agree or disagree”,所以拿别人的观点作为自己的支持论据这本身就不够给力.所以你完全可以把“调查中那些存在不存在都很难说的学生的观点”变成自己的,这样分量一下就不同了.
修改建议：在这两段中分别居一种你觉得“better than making others happy”的让自己幸福的方法.可以就用你现在的思路：“firstly,I think gaining knoeledge is better than……”、“Also, a good job is another way better than……”先说这个方法本身怎么让你幸福了,比如说学知识不仅满足了自己对外面世界的好奇心,更让自己有了奋斗的资本,这一切让自己很满足所以很幸福（这样和第一段的定义就挂上钩了）；然后再比较：学知识比想办法让别人快乐要容易很多（要有细节：学知识自己只要了解自己那些只是不知道然后再学就可以了,而让他人高兴你得很清楚的了解到别人的想法,了解自己总是比了解别人要容易的）,所以学知识比让别人快乐的方法,所以让别人幸福并不是最好的方法.第二段亦如此,逻辑层层递进,而且不需要有什么高难度的句子,既简单又有说服力.
因为这两段改动会很大,个人觉得就不用再重修改句子了.在写的时候注意一句话,不管长句短句,在写时脑子里的句子一定不能断.就是说一句话一次性考虑好、写完,这样最不容易出错.要是长难句有困难,短一些也没什么关系,重要的是不要有大错误.评分员可能会因为你句式结构简单不给你最高分,但绝对不会因此给你降分,但若是你错误太明显就不一样了.
以上这些来源于个人考试和指导经验,对苍天保证绝对复合ETS思路.
希望对你有帮助哈.若有什么问题请留言,尽我所能回答
加油^^祝楼主考好成绩