请高手修改并评价这篇4级作文,For this part,you are allowed 30minutes to write a short essay entitled Recreational Activities.You shoul write at least 120 words following the outline given below.1娱乐活动多种多样2娱乐活动可以

请高手修改并评价这篇4级作文,For this part,you are allowed 30minutes to write a short essay entitled Recreational Activities.You shoul write at least 120 words following the outline given below.1娱乐活动多种多样2娱乐活动可以
请高手修改并评价这篇4级作文,
For this part,you are allowed 30minutes to write a short essay entitled Recreational Activities.You shoul write at least 120 words following the outline given below.
1娱乐活动多种多样
2娱乐活动可以使人们受益,也可能带来危害
3作为大学生,我认为.
Recreational Activities
In colleges,especially in Chinese colleges,students get freedom from the more fraternal,more relaxing,and more harmonious atmosphere.In their spare time,lots of recreational activities are available.For instance,sports,club activities,computer games,trips are all students' favorite activities.
However,when we find out some advantages about recreational activities,I reckon that there are some disadvantages about recreational activities as well.To begin with,playing computer games do a lot of harm to students.Independent as they are,teachers and parents cannot intervene profoundly in their daily life,which will result in students' lack of concentration on their study.Subsequently,many club activities seem to be a waste of time.Many activities just focus on getting together and going ouside the campus to have a meal.Scarcely can they make progress from this kind of activities.Moreover,going on a trip to somewhere else is a good idea,but who guarantees the safety of the students as quite a few cases show that students in campus are more liable to have an accident while going on a trip.
As a college student,I think that we should consider the problem in a provident way.Recreational activities can just be used for relaxation out of study time,but not to be addicted to them and not to abuse them.

请高手修改并评价这篇4级作文,For this part,you are allowed 30minutes to write a short essay entitled Recreational Activities.You shoul write at least 120 words following the outline given below.1娱乐活动多种多样2娱乐活动可以
开头的introduction部分过于简单,而且没有引-限-点.建议楼主使用复杂些的表达法,因为开头非常重要!中间的body部分内容充实,不过似乎楼主侧重于叙述disadvantage了,advantage的部分字数不太够,可以再充实一些.最后的summary还是简单,应该复杂些.记住,四级作文第一位的是语言,尽量做到词汇丰富,多用从句,或是独立主格等语法,这样才能让判卷老师印象深刻.要知道,他们看一篇作文的时间平均不到1分钟,一定要做的impressive!写好开头!
祝你成功~~加油O(∩_∩)O~