求雅思作文批改popular events like he footbal world cup and other international sporting occasions are essential in easing international tensions and releasing patriotic emotions in a safe way.to what extent do you agree or disagree.there is an

求雅思作文批改popular events like he footbal world cup and other international sporting occasions are essential in easing international tensions and releasing patriotic emotions in a safe way.to what extent do you agree or disagree.there is an
求雅思作文批改
popular events like he footbal world cup and other international sporting occasions are essential in easing international tensions and releasing patriotic emotions in a safe way.to what extent do you agree or disagree.
there is an universal arguement whether popular events such as football world cup and certain international sporting occasions will be beneficial to eliminate tension made by different countries.overall,i agree the opinion expressed.
on one hand,popular events promote the progress of peace.by this i mean that it removes the barrier of interpretation between individuals who do not speak same language.for example,the olympic game,provide a platform for not only altheles but audiences around the world to interact with each other.besides,there is no denying the fact that international sport meeting raised money for charities.to be more precise,poverty play a dominant role in religion clashes especially among un development countries.in addition,it opens a gap for mutual understanding,which boarden people's horizons towards cultural diversity.last but not least,government also allocate money to enhance public facilities as the gallary held.
on the other hand,despite its importance,internation occasions may suffer the potential risks as well,i am refering to the fact that criminal behavior which occurs frequently on the gym as individuals are not satisfied with the competition's result,cause blood events that is aganist with the original intention to hold the meeting.
also,it is primary target that is located by terrorists to place bombs as millions of audiences watch the competition.
in conclusion,although criminal behavior and terriosm will threaten the safe of popular events,it is also an effective way to remove internation tension.

求雅思作文批改popular events like he footbal world cup and other international sporting occasions are essential in easing international tensions and releasing patriotic emotions in a safe way.to what extent do you agree or disagree.there is an
popular events like he footbal world cup and other international sporting occasions are essential in easing international tensions and releasing patriotic emotions in a safe way.to what extent do you agree or disagree.
there is an universal arguement whether popular events such as football world cup and certain international sporting occasions will be beneficial to eliminate tension made by different countries.overall,i agree the opinion expressed.（同学,你的whether和will一起的用法是不对的,用are就好；eliminate嘛,是消除的意思,这样讲太绝对了,外国人不喜欢绝对的,应该说reduce；overal是在文章末尾的,应该用in my opinion,后面可以用fllowing point of view,避免重复）
on one（中间少个the） hand,popular events (can)promote the progress (去掉）of peace.by this（.没见过这样的用法） i mean that （不要动不动用i mean,那是口语）it removes the barrier of interpretation between individuals who do not speak same language（这句话是翻译器翻来的吧.）.for example,the olympic game,provide（三单加S） a platform for not only altheles but （.ALSO!）audiences around the world to interact with each other（interact就行）.besides,there is no denying the fact （there is no doubt比较好,雅思喜欢）that international sport（加S） meeting raised （为什么要用过去时?can raise）money for charities.to be more precise,poverty play（三单） a dominant role in religion clashes especially among（especially 后面应该加名词,和前面的名次平行） un development countries（没有这个说法,是developing countries).in addition,it opens a gap for mutual understanding,which boarden people's horizons towards cultural diversity.last but not least,government （should）also allocate money to enhance public facilities as the gallary held.
on the other hand,despite its（没有主语,什么的importance?) importance,internation occasions may suffer the potential risks as well,i am refering(不要用I!不能主观!） to the fact that criminal behavior which occurs frequently on the gym as individuals are not satisfied with the competition's result,(加it may)cause blood events that is aganist with the original intention to hold the meeting.
also,it is primary target that is located by terrorists to place bombs as millions of audiences watch the competition.
in conclusion,although criminal behavior and terriosm will threaten the safe（safe是名词） of popular events,it is also an effective way to remove internation tension

There is an universal argument whether popular events such as football world cup and certain international sporting occasions will be beneficial to ease or release the tension made by different countr...

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There is an universal argument whether popular events such as football world cup and certain international sporting occasions will be beneficial to ease or release the tension made by different countries. To some extent, I agree with this opinion.
On one hand, popular events promote the progress of peace, because it removes the barrier of the communication between individuals who do not speak same language. For example, the Olympic games, provides a platform for not only athletes but audience around the world to interact with each other. Besides, there is no denying that international sports meeting raises money for charities. To be more precise, it will release the impact of poverty which plays a dominant role in religion clashes especially among undeveloped countries. In addition, it offers an opportunity to broaden people's horizon of cultural diversity which could be helpful for mutual understanding. Last but not least, the government could also increase the local financial income in order to enhance the public facilities when the gallery held.
On the other hand, despite its importance, international occasions could bring some potential risks as well. Criminal behaviours which occur frequently in the gym as individuals are not satisfied with the competition's result, may provoke bloodshed that is against with the original intention to hold the meeting. Also,it sets up a greater risks of terrorist attacks.
In conclusion, although criminal behaviours and terrorism will threaten the safety of popular events, it is also an effective way to ease or release international tension.
大致的给你改了一下，可能还有不妥之处。
问题和建议：
1、你用了eliminate这个词，是消除，而不是缓解，与题意不太相符。
2、相对大量地使用了某些书上的例句和词语，有的看起来有些牵强。
3、一些词的拼写错误和用法错误，内容可以再丰富一些。
优点：
1、结构清晰，观点明确
2、用词丰富
3、有一定的逻辑关系
你的原文应该在5分左右。

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